When I got to work today I saw a line manager and we had a conversation about my cancelled trip to Australia this month.

Because I was feeling under the weather I proceeded to throw myself a bit of a pity party. I started thinking about how unlucky I am and that tune quickly evolved into how unlucky I am in relationships - if luck is even a real thing.

I even took a stroll around the archives and analyzed my failed marriage. I started thinking about recent connections and my heart ached at the thought of a friendship that dissolved because feelings got voiced out loud. And an old bond that I’ve walked away from because after nearly two decades this clearly blind man suddenly realized that I’m the one. I’m obviously not the one. I’m what’s left over. And I’m no one’s leftover.

If you don’t know me personally you wouldn’t know how very little I thought of myself a couple of years back. I didn’t have the confidence I have now and my smile wasn’t as full. I also didn’t know if I was capable of making anyone happy.

It’s interesting to me to be able to write about my past like it didn’t hurt me. It did. My divorce felt like death every day for almost seven months. I also didn’t want to get divorced but I knew then that if I didn’t leave I’d end up spiritually dead, broken and possibly HIV positive.

This cold, gloomy day has made me so nostalgic that I’ve ended up sitting on the couch all afternoon looking at pictures on iCloud. I went right back to 2011 and was reminded of moments of utter exhaustion and panic before my wedding day.

Fast forward almost three years … Fresh after my divorce a drunk driver drove into me at 3h30 in the morning. I was on my way to work and was listening to music when suddenly there was an impact so loud that it partially deafened my right eardrum. I could hear myself scream and was disorientated because I was certain that there were no cars on the road. But this asshole had gone through a red robot and after hitting me he reversed and drove off.

His conscience probably made him turn back around to see if I was alright. I remember feeling grateful but then the worst thing that he could’ve ever said hurtled out of his mouth like a snack attacking its prey. ‘Shit, do you have a husband?”

‘No,’ I cried.

He later admitted that he was drunk so I took him home for a cup of coffee. He was 26 and shivering and I was just shocked.

This one picture of me in a neck brace dissolved me. I wept for the woman that I was and I wished for a split second that I could’ve gone back and told her that things would turn out fine. Today I was reminded of how strong I am and just how fragile life was and still is.

This lockdown has been a lonely one and it’s emphasized my longing for a partner even more. Tonight I am envious of every person in lockdown who has someone to cuddle with. You should know that you are blessed beyond the stars and the moon. I would give up chocolate for a month - two months - just to have someone special whisper I love you in my ear.