I can’t stop thinking about junk food these days. Yesterday I walked up to the Pick n Pay cashier with three bags of Simba chips in my trolley. Before she scanned my groceries, I quickly said, ‘I can’t eat that, sorry. Can I leave them?’ My struggle is real.

Today I got up and ran 6km to the bin room and back. I was so slow and took my sweet time because running in circles for that distance is draining. I was aiming for 10km but after I stopped to chat to a neighbor, who’s daughter is ill, I just couldn’t run anymore.

In the evening I completed the remaining 4km. I did this out of guilt because last night I made a meal out of some rusks and hollow chocolate easter eggs.

I’m munching on a bowl of popcorn as I type and I’m chuckling at the irony of it all. I’ve been feeling defeated lately because of my fuller face and growing waistline, But here I am salting my keyboard, and stuffing my face. I’m honestly not overeating, I’m just not moving enough. My trainer always says that if you want to lose weight you must stop eating. Simple. Not so simple.

My tummy is growling at weird hours. It’s cold and I feel the constant need for my jaw to move when I’m reading, watching tv or listening to music. It’s so strange. I don’t want to suck on oranges during snack time or eat dried mango. I want crepes and pancakes with all the toppings, including cream. I went a bit wild with the cream in the first week of lockdown. I buy it for my mum because she loves scones with jam and cream. But now that she’s gone I feel an almost duty to eat all her things.

I’m ecstatic that we’re allowed to run from Friday. We have to do it during 6am-9am but that’s way better than nothing. Gyming indoors is not my thing. I told my trainer yesterday I will do five push up’s instead of pull ups on her workout plan. She inquisitively asked me, “5? Why 5?” Truth is, I can’t even do 5 properly. I give up at 3. I fall flat on my belly like a starfish, take some deep breaths and then I attempt 4 and 5.

Yesterday someone told me they find it hard to motivate themselves to exercise. I do too, to be honest. In August I was going to compete in an IronMan event. But the future of the race remains so uncertain and it’s dampened my spirits a little. But I’m never going to lose sight of the fact that this lockdown is necessary. I need to just pull myself towards myself and keep moving because when we heal eventually from this pandemic, the roads and the dams will once again be every athlete’s oyster.