I’ve become neurotic because of Covid-19. I rarely hug anyone, I stopped going to the shops, I’ve become anxious about running in groups and I shiver at the thought of getting a wax, cutting my hair or getting my nails done.

In the past two weeks, I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone a lot. I’ve gone to my favorite bookstore and actually took my time in there and picked up books without feeling afraid. I’ve met girlfriends for brunch; ran in a tiny group of four; visited my neighbor; hugged my neighbors; enjoyed a glass of wine with them over an impromptu braai; hugged my mother tightly without feeling anxious; sat on the bench in the park; met a man in the park and allowed this person to give me a hug too. And I loved it!

What tripped me up was the grooming. I made an appointment at my local salon and was so excited to go until I walked into the foyer. The sanitizer was in a silver floor-to-chest stand dispenser and I had to touch that thing to get in. How many other people touched that? To the right of that demon was a table with a register. The black ballpoint pen rested atop it like a decomposing dead bird. I was horrified and suddenly tasted bile. I looked at my chaperone who came to fetch me in the parking lot and asked, “Can you clean that pen for me, please?”

I then instantly reached for my baby wipes and sanitizer but at that moment all my mental safety nets dissolved. Doubt is a bad, bad thing and from the time it took me to rummage through my bag and find my wipes I decided to leave my body to its own devices and just walk away. I mean - what on earth did Eve do with her flower blossom because I’m pretty sure there was no boutique with a waxing lady and soft music removing her hair every month?

So I shuddered and went cold on the inside when I said, “I can’t do this. I’m so very sorry. I just can’t do this. I’m scared.”

I walked out of that building, ashamed and utterly horrified that I had done something I hate. I wasted someone’s time. Theirs and mine. The owner is someone I deeply respect and we have a good relationship so she offered to come to my home and work with me privately. I could not be more grateful or humbled by this kind gesture. People are kind not just some people - everyone. Even the ones who are unkind and it really made me think deeply about the people in my life who I tend to keep at arm's length because they take advantage of my kindness.

These folk exist let’s be honest. The ones who call you for ‘favors’ because they’re too lazy to do things for themselves or run to the store for an ingredient that they forgot. Their explanations are always non-existent and feeble and it amuses me to witness the growing casual behavior of some who think it’s very acceptable to dive into your pantry and continue asking for a crop.

This season of Covid-19 is rough on everyone. I am not peculiar nor am I going to take this opportunity to reprimand anyone. But what I am going to do is gently remind you that you can do everything for yourself.

There is just no need to ask for Panado’s or loan sugar from your neighbor, or anyone for that matter, if you have all your limbs, a sound mind, and can walk.

The Checkers app is alive and thriving. Starve your body for 60 minutes, hop online, and order what you need. Our needs are not mysterious. We have to take responsibility for them and not pass that burden to someone else regularly. It’s not okay.

The familiarity of our relationships during this season has grown in leaps and bounds. I have never been closer to my neighbors, friends, or my family. But I’ve often found myself at the butt end of a selfish arm of those who reach out to me only when they need me. Instead of feeling offended like I most often did in the past, I’ve learned not to take those relationships to bed with me at the end of the day.

Everyone is going through something and everyone is holding some sort of pain close to their chest. Now, more than ever, we should be harnessing our inner strength and come up with creative ways NOT to rely so much on the mental and tangible wealth of people around us.

I want to encourage you that there is a network of work. Something as simple as buying beads and learning how to make earrings can rake in an income. If you’re going through some pain it’s so easy to feel like a victim in situations. I’ve been there and I’ve ridden that wave long and hard for many years. But don’t give up. Don’t say things like God will see me through if you’re not actively taking steps to change your circumstance. And definitely don’t ever guilt-trip a person who works hard for their bread and butter to feel pity for you.

Grow yourself and share your pain in a positive way. There is always hope buried in the middle of every dark situation and if you allow it some time light will eventually enter.

In these past two weeks, I’ve prickled with anger towards every human that’s boldly dared to tell me that I am lucky for working for just half a day.

I’d like to shift your perspective. I am one person in a two-team rotation of over 60 people. We’ve all had to in the past few weeks had to wake up between 2-3 am to get to work. We work rotational shifts and we sometimes work for days on end and in return get days off. The system is very stable and fair.

My alarm screeches at 2h45 when I’m on duty and I work as quickly as a bullet train on steroids until I am off air at 11. I put all my lights off at 8 pm but I don’t necessarily fall off to sleep. My neighbors are still awake and the walls are thin in my complex so getting good REM sleep is not my reality on most of these nights. My lunchtime is at 11h30 am. And I usually try to do nothing from around 1-4 pm but that’s rarely possible because one constantly has to keep abreast of what’s going on in the day to prepare for the next shift.

I also blog, cook, and plan the heck out of my life during this time. When I don’t sleep properly and operate on 5 hours of rest some days, I’m often told I’m forgetful, rude, grumpy, short, in a mood... Negative labels that I despise but yet are so freely thrown about without any consideration or kindness. I’m regularly told that I have a ‘nice’ life but the undertone of that statement that I hear is, ‘What do you do all day after 11?”

I try my best to work on myself and to be a better version of who I am. I don’t profess to know everything and neither do I want to. I simply love to work and create environments and spaces that I am comfortable with.

I regularly spend time talking to people that matter to me and what I cherish most is the relationships in my life that afford and allow me to fail, deteriorate, re-calibrate, and rectify. No one is perfect, but we should all strive to be the best version of ourselves all the time. With or without a fat bank balance.

And on that note, I’m going to prepare for my appointment and ready myself to be groomed for the first time since March. Praise Jesus!