'You are not a tree. You don't have to stay somewhere if you don't want to.' These were the words of my Pastor during a morning sermon two years ago.

These past few months have been a rainbow of emotions. I've been trying very hard to pivot in my career, set new boundaries, find a routine and keep loving people despite their outbursts. Hard is an understatement.

A colleague of mine recently attacked me in an email and accused me of constantly blogging at work. For the record I do, but anyone who's seen my blog recently will tell you that I've not been blogging regularly. I've been really busy. So in this instance. Lies.

Immediately I went on the defensive and picked her apart mentally, firing all her misfit outfit choices at her. I was mad for days. After a week I succumbed to the fact that she said that because she's got her own thing going on. Hurt people, hurt people. Not my slice of cake. I'm not even going to lick the icing.

My little rant aside, I've enjoyed tremendous peace and made some gains since I last blogged. Ontheboard was featured in the Women's Health this month. That makes me feel like a winner.

When I think of this year, what's happened already, the war in Ukraine, flooding in KZN, and the pain that so many people are enduring. These challenges in my life seem small. I feel like there's very little time and to spend it in angst, worrying over what someone might say or do to me is meaningless. Instead, I'm focusing on changing the narrative.

Last weekend I visited the Drakensberg with my boyfriend. It was heaven. To be in a setting where no one needs you were just incredible.

The air was cool and crisp, there was only wifi and no cellphone reception. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a very long time. My work is not kind in that it sees me working three weekends a month as a shift worker. I don't get public holidays and to explain my level of tiredness is likening it to the slow movements of a sloth. I ache almost every day, can barely relax on my off days, and honestly feel like I could rest my head just about anywhere and doze off for a little bit.

Shiftwork is a problem and while I enjoy the flexibility of having off days during the week. Nothing quite compares to the rigid structure of a weekday job. I often have late shift hangovers and it takes me a day to find my feet. I'm not always energized. Fact.

Back to my holiday. On the day we arrived in KZN, snow-capped mountains surrounded us and we took a walk to the nearby dam. Of course, I was freezing and in the wrong shoes but off we went. We walked for some time before getting near the dam wall. Just as I turned the corner there stood a massive sign saying, "Beware crocodiles". Like, whaaaat.

Immediately, I envisioned being eaten alive by an alligator in the middle of nowhere, with bones, teeth, and denim everywhere. I came to a halt like a salt rock. I wasn't wearing my medic-alert bracelet. We both could get attacked and no one would know. To make matters worse, my boyfriend is hard of hearing, and what if help did come. He wouldn't be able to hear shouting and we were going to die. The thoughts.

"Come!"

I wanted to reply, "where?", but I was reduced to hand gestures at this point. When I finally found my voice, I yelled, "I'm going back."

Then a debate ensued to my horror. Why was this dam wall so important to him. So I ran towards this man who was chuckling at my discomfort and walked fast to the edge of the dam wall with him. When we got there, the grass up to my knees almost made me shiver. This thing or family of crocodiles could be watching us. He was in his element taking pictures, and selfies and just in a generally happy place. I was surely not there. The sun eventually set and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Let's go," I quipped.

I walked without looking back and it was almost a run. When I finally saw our cottage I realised my ass cheeks were burning. It wasn't from the cold. The next day we find out that a gentleman doing trips on the dam was not very pleasant and he didn't like too much of a crowd. So he erected these signs around the dam to deter people from walking nearby. I was not impressed.

Our stay near the Lesotho border was beautiful and serene. We enjoyed our days that included nights in front of a warm fireplace, walks, a bit of reading, braai's, chocolate and beer tasting, cheeseboards, and antique store browsing. I even thrifted a jacket in the town of Winterton. I was meant to run in the mountains, that was the plan, but on the second day got a fever and felt a bit sick. That same fever has been with me this whole week intermittently.

There was a lot that stood out for me this weekend. I had just turned 39 on Wednesday. I'm no longer small. Anyone accusing me of immaturity would be wrong. There's a level of respect that I will tolerate but I don't have to accept disrespect. I won't.

There's happiness in life because there I was devouring a slice. Peace exists. I felt it on a cold night, out in rural dwellings with no one nearby but ambient noises and a sky full of stars.

Love is tangible. It may not be whatever rom-com fantasy in your mind but love, the comfortable wait-all-your-life for it kind is something you can manufacture. It's an understanding between two like-minded people. Neither out to change the other. And the colour is all the moments in between. The good, the bad, and the ones that leave you frightened and feeling vulnerable.

I felt sore going on this holiday. I was tired, and disappointed in some individuals. But I left it there. I dropped the negativity and shady comments thrown my way in the valley. I forgave not anyone else but myself because I realised that when you pass a man walking on a road towards you with an axe, you either greet him or you run.

My boyfriend and I waved.

“It takes a negative energy to bring a positive charge out of anything.” Pastor Charlotte Gamble.

In other news:

My nephew turned 10 last month.

Eva (my kitten) poops outside now.

I am no longer serving in church. I only go once a month.

I turned 39 and have more grey hair than I like.

I have met only 1 of my boyfriend’s real friends. I still haven’t been to his house.

My arthritis is still kicking my butt, but I’m able to run 15 km’s now without feeling any pain.

I have more yoghurt and jam in my fridge than a normal person.