Lockdown: Day 644
I enjoy asking people what their New Year’s resolutions are and hearing what they say. Many don’t have any and few tell me they don’t believe in resolutions.
To be honest, I’m not one for resolutions but I love setting goals. I enjoy looking ahead and imagining the possibility of change in areas of my life that I think need a bit of a restructuring. My work is one of these areas. I also love exploring and because of Covid-19, not much of it has been taking place.
This year though I want to be bold enough to take chances and swim with dolphins when I can, or run through the streets of a country that I’ve never visited. Naked.
Just kidding.
I want to eat ice cream with the one I love near the ocean, sit hand-in-hand at the edge of sunsets, and feel no responsibility. I’d like to whisper into the sky from an unknown destination and wonder out loud without hesitation, where I would be if my past hadn’t happened. I love that I went through life the way that I did. I want to be misunderstood and understood. Loved and corrected. Embraced and rejected. I want to learn.
Above all, I’d like to be kinder to myself.
I, for the longest time, have been so hard on myself. I berate myself for saying the wrong thing. For saying nothing at all when I should. For not being enough or doing enough? Can you relate?
I say sorry with such ease and am often bending to bad behaviour and being treated casually when I know I deserve kindness and a lot more respect. There are times when I’m wholly wrong and I take responsibility for that but I’m talking about accepting mediocrity. I’m talking about ignoring your instincts and accepting criticism from your boss for example knowing with all your heart that you are not average. Seamus Reynolds, an ex-manager of mine told me once never to digest criticism from anyone and take it to heart if you know they are wrong about you. That always stuck with me and I vowed to myself then to never let my job dictate the person I grow into.
Perspective and clarity are never easy until you take a step back and examine the intimate dynamic of whatever it is that makes you feel sad or weary. Whether it be a job, a relationship, a family dynamic, or an acquaintance that treated you in an overly familiar way.
Boundaries are key. And so often when we over-familiarize ourselves with people, boundaries get murky. So what I’m saying is - this year for me is all about boundaries.
If there’s guilt, shame, or anything abusive attached to absolutely anything I’m going to redirect my steps and run up another road. Who we spend time with, work for, love, drop our guard around is a choice and I want to make better ones. I want to find pockets of colour and rainbows in every corner of my day. I want to create it for those around me and I’d like to be allowed to do it permanently for a spouse one day. Heaven knows marriage comes with challenges but I want to imagine one that brings balance to my life. I don’t want to be scared of being left out or alone anymore. Abandonment isn’t my future and I have a feeling this year is going to be different.
There are also small goals like running another marathon, injury-free, running more than 1 500 km’s this year, growing my blog and business and, I’m crossing my fingers, owning my very own food truck and home this year. All of the above requires effort and not procrastination - something which I’m very good at doing.
The festive season came and went but not without sadness. Death took more from my immediate family and memories of loved ones passed continue to hang like a thin veil over New Years Day. This season is sprinkled with mixed feelings. I’m always breathing a massive sigh on New Year Eve - for once not alone on my balcony watching fireworks - because it’s that moment of relief. I made it. We made it. Still intact, still standing, and still breathing. By God’s grace, we are still here and surviving amidst this pandemic.
Why?
I’ve accepted that the question will never have an answer so I’ve withdrawn it when I pray these days.
My zeal remains because I’m happy. Not happy like ecstatic because I know a lot needs to change this year and I’m ready for it but happy in like a fulfilled, I ate a bit much, kind of way. 2020 was hard, 2021 was harder and I’m expecting this year to be the hardest yet. What I cannot wait for is the opportunity to explore and navigate around the edges of whatever lays ahead.
So my goals this year is to:
Worship my God and resume volunteering in the church.
Love harder than usual.
Respect and be kinder to everyone, especially those in authority.
Stay alive by looking after my mind and body properly. Less Crispy Cremes and NO SMOKING.
Learn 1 new skill.
Run between 1 700-2000 km.
Get a new job.
Buy a food cart.
Travel somewhere I haven’t been and read.
Watch a few movies without falling asleep.
Notably, there are no babies on this list. A lot of people keep telling me to have some. The guy in the cafeteria even had an opinion about it so I feel obliged to point out some facts.
I am not rich. I am a journalist. I am also realistic and with age comes a slower thyroid and less time. My goal in life was always to one day become a mother. But it is not my only vision for my life. A lot of what I need, I have and what I want is on the horizon.
I am enough and enough of what I need is what I have already.
If you haven’t taken the time to figure out a goal or a resolution for yourself this year. Ponder on this for a moment.
What do you have and what do you want? Do you need it and how will it fulfill you?
Happiness is influenced but ultimately is a seed born in your own heart. Water it well with people who are nourished and nourishing. If you choose to surround yourself with ash, expect the colour to drain from your life and a stagnant spirit floating through the motions.
