Covid-19 Lockdown: Day 19

Yesterday there were a couple of incidents that I witnessed that made me question our sanity during lockdown. Personalities are changing - mine included.

I find that I’m withdrawing from the world and instead of phoning friends and family on my off days like I used to, I’m banging away at the keyboard writing and trying to find a purpose in my isolation. For the past couple of days whenever I get calls and messages inquiring about how I am, my heart skips a beat and instead of feeling delight like I used to I prickle with frustration. And it takes a minute for me to pull myself towards myself and sink back into my pool of gratitude.

I lecture myself about my hermit-like personality, that is ever expanding, and I wonder if I’ll have anxiety after lockdown to go out and meet people for coffee, without feeling paranoid about spreading Covid-19. Is this happening to you?

I also find myself inventing activities in my home to avoid that feeling of lack. I’m shopping by going through all my mother’s clothing and finding items in her wardrobe that I love. I often dress up in her clothing and jewelry to feel like I’m wearing something new, and I parade in front of the mirror, analyzing every ounce of bounce on my body.

I have picnics on my balconies that have almost always resulted in me falling asleep in the sunshine with a book on my belly. I dance in my loft and dress up as if I was going to a club. I run to the bin room and back multiple times until I get to 5km with Mexico. And when we return to my flat I force her into a fist pump because I miss my running group. I cycle on my indoor trainer, outside on my top balcony, hoping the wind will blow so that I feel like I’m on the road. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t.

I miss my favorite takeout foods and I’ve started watching videos on Youtube by Lindsay Greene just before I fall asleep each night for comfort. Somehow watching her eat a burger and wolfing down sushi makes me feel like I’ve had it.

Yesterday I woke up at 5h00 to do a little run to the bin. Today I had set the alarm at the same time to do a similar thing. But today I did something different. Instead of jumping out of bed, I moaned, ‘Nooooo… I’ll go later.’ I turned over and went back to sleep.

I don’t know why I spoke out loud or to who I was directing those words to because I wake up alone every day. What I do know is that I have started talking out loud to myself. It’s not something I’ve done before. I have been affirming, correcting, scolding, and complimenting myself in recent weeks. If anything I am rediscovering me and I’m learning a lot about myself.

Is this what falling in love with yourself feels like?