I need a haircut. My brother says my long hair is making me look like a tannie.

I think it’s because my face has gotten fuller since the start of lockdown and even though I feel thicker, my colleague so flatteringly described me as a ‘hot snack’ last week. I’ll take it. But also, Thursday is coming and if the President says I’m allowed to exercise and run by myself then, bye amigos, this diary will have to end.

I’m not sure about you but lockdown has stirred up quite a lot of emotions in me; fear, anxiety, apprehension, nervousness…the list is long. The uncertainty of this virus makes me feel vulnerable. And let’s not forget my growing suspicion of everyone when I leave my house. If you’re coughing, you can bet on it, I’m thinking you’ve got the corona. If you’re in the shops and coughing without a mask, I avoid you like the plague. I don’t even buy what I need because I’m convinced you’ve infected the entire isle and its products. I’ve become so bad.

It’s the not knowing part that makes me feel uneasy. Will a vaccine ever make it on the market? When can I go to church again? When can I bring my mother home?

I’m half uncertain about the future. Actually I’ve been half uncertain about the future since the beginning of the year but I took a leap of faith, said a prayer and truly convinced myself that I will get married this year. I even bid on a wedding dress, which I didn’t get, but that’s beside the point. I’ve committed to making a bigger effort to go on dates and just be open to new possibilities. But it’s already the end of April and I’m still single so I’m starting to doubt.

Who am I going to meet while I’m in lockdown anyway? How will we date? And when we kiss for the first time I’m going to wonder whether I’m getting Covid or giving him Covid.

The dating game is going to change forever. Instead of the usual, ‘Don’t get pregnant’, narrative in conservative homes, I’m sure parent’s around the globe, on nights when their young adults heads out, will hold their breath and think, ‘Don’t bring Covid home’.

So many feelings but at the center of it all is a sobering verse. My Pastor Andre reminded me this morning that I should not fret because God IS in control. He preached on my favorite verse in the whole bible - Psalm 23. Naturally I read an entire book about this particular verse right after my divorce while on holiday in the Drakensberg.

God is my Shepard and He will never abandon me. So during this time of uncertainty I will keep my eyes and my heart on Him because the fact is - I can’t control tomorrow. But I can control how I think and what I stress about. That’s all on me.