Lockdown: 2021 Winter Solstice

Time is running away from me these days. I have been working hard and I must take this opportunity to apologize for my tardy blog posts.

Not only have I been grafting non-stop every day for weeks - steady job and side hustle - but I’ve been battling such bad insomnia.

Each person I’ve admitted that to has kindly offered up solutions but I rarely implement any of them. Instead, I’ve been climbing into bed, numb from exhaustion, and thinking and re-thinking about the future. My choices. My conversations. My purpose.

Deep right?

About two weeks ago my mother was trying to talk to me and I tried to listen to her but I just couldn’t. We were both having breakfast. She had almost everything breakfast compliant on her plate. Muffin, biscuit, rusk, porridge, boiled egg, and fruits. That day she even asked me for yoghurt and I recall saying something along the lines of the food isn’t going to hide when she walks away. She laughed but I didn’t.

Still chilling in her PJ’s she happily started talking to me about my neighbours. She regularly gave me an update about who’s doing what with who, when. But she soon gave up because she couldn’t get my attention. At some point, I even snapped at her and ask her to wait for me to finish my work. That minute passed and so did the rest of the day. I never looked up from my computer, I never noticed when she left the table and I never asked her about what she was trying to tell me.

Instead, I hurried through my morning and went to work. I continued working like this for the entire week and at the end of it, I knew that I was missing out. I was missing out on life and my mother. I wasn’t prioritizing correctly and I had missed an opportunity. The opportunity being a verb in this case. That missed opportunity has made me reject one at work.

And I am thrilled about that decision. For the first time in my life, I’ve chosen my family over my work. I have deep respect for my craft but I have finally nailed to the board what is important to me and what isn’t.

So what’s keeping me awake at night? I’ve narrowed it down to two things. A change in shift times and a desire to shift and change in my life.

Nothing makes me more unhappy than when I’m surrounded by a bunch of complainers. Lately, I have been absorbing the white noise of incessant complaining and it has been draining my soul. I complain but I’d like to think I’m not a serial complainer about everything work-related. Am I?

A bloke I met in the park complained so much about the vaccine rollout and claims he is a scientist, all the while telling everyone they're not to accept the vaccine. When he finally rounded near me and my friends I looked him in the eye and told him that I believe in science, herd immunity and that he should take the vaccine because it could potentially save his life. He was aged, geriatric like Mexico, and hobbling about with a funny hat and a cane. He didn’t look happy about my choice of words at all.

This human had an attitude like Hitler. Resolute. His Berlin Wall ring of fire around his narrow mind didn’t consider anything I said to him in terms of the efficacy of some of the vaccines. He claimed that the vaccines will kill us all in the long run because no one knows its long-term side effects. Some truth lives in that statement but honestly speaking, gun to my head, if somebody offered me a J&J vaccine (the one that can potentially give you blood clots) I’d fucking take that thing.

Heck, if I had a partner that was vaccinated I’d run in circles, naked, around him every day asking him to vaccinate me. That’s how strong I desire some sort of a defense against Covid-19. It says a lot that I’d be willing to take multiple low doses of a vaccine through sperm. #kiddingnotkidding

So this guy continued to smack science and proceeded to tell us that the vaccines developed are a complete and utter sham. He double-checked if I was a doctor first before dismissing facts. Also, I’m a tiny Indian who likes to wear leather and have big eyes so maybe he felt a bit threatened. He felt compelled to tell me that he studied at some Paris Institute o Le-bullshit. I’m not sure exactly where that is. But his persistence in talking to me and my friend even after I dismissed him kindly was a bit overwhelming.

I told him that I respected his opinions but that he shouldn’t tell people not to take the vaccine because that kind of talk is what’s scaring everyone. It’s people like him that will deter herd immunity. Then I told him I would pray for him. I think that statement outraged him because he walked off in a huff. Not a minute later he did a u-turn and headed back only to ask me about my company and where my offices are based.

So the next day this guy went out of his way to track me down in the park. He asked nearly everyone if they knew who I was and labeled me rude and said he’d like to take me out. Take me out where? My favourite place to eat is Rocco’s but I’ll tell him that when I see him again. Fucker!

I realise I am not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s okay. I’m that girl who you’ll pass on the road and if you’re running on the wrong side, you’re going to hear my voice. I’m also that girl who will be consistently tolerant of bullshit until I lose my mind. Many people seem to believe that I keep quiet to keep the peace. Wrong. I keep quiet so I don’t end up in jail.

I am human and my tolerance of nasty, arrogant, and vindictive people is very low. I’ve designed myself to become this way after many moments of low self-esteem resulted in me allowing someone to take advantage of me.

Finding your voice is not only powerful, it is God-ordained. He has designed us to be outspoken advocates of change. We have to correct when correction is required.

The requirement is purpose-driven. Life is not just about options. Life is a requirement. The requirement means a thing that is needed or wanted.

A good attitude to leadership and maturity is a requirement. Be driven by an expectation to value something more.

I want more. I want more life. More time, More love. More sex. More breaks - preferably not heartbreaks. More chocolate. More exploring. More adventure. More celebrations. More time. More conversation. More friendships. More road. More time.

I want time with the people I love. I want to allocate and control my time better. I want to time who I spend time with based on their attitude. And I cannot control theirs but I can control my actions and who I spend time with. Don’t spend time with the wrong people. You will regret it. Don’t even spend time with people out of kindness. If it’s not feeling right, walk away. Read, learn, do anything but waste time with friends who treat you like shit.

In the past two weeks, I’ve learnt more things about people close to me than I’ve wanted to. I’ve seen different stripes to two friends in particular which has made me question why I’m friends with them and I’ve had quality conversations with some who have made me feel grateful beyond words.

Time. This currency which we cannot trade. The world’s most valuable commodity is slipping away from me so much quicker than I want it to. And I am not sorry for fine-tuning who and what I spend my time on. Even if, in my case, it means I earn less. I’d rather be comfortable and happy, than rich and overworked.

Bless!

PS. On the love front. I have a friend who’s moved back to Joburg looking sexier than he did a year ago. God nudge him towards me. Another who is on drugs but claims no one will ever love me as he does. God keep him away from me. A colleague who’s made our relationship awkward by saying some inappropriate things to me via social media. This situation makes me sad. And tonight more than 13 Bumble likes. It’s a mess. My love life is in hiding much like the army of spiders in my thatched roof.

Blessed with the best.

21km Virtual Comrades run with my RunLikeAGirl Fourways Running group. These girls are solid, strong women with hearts of gold.

Parking off with my friends from my complex.

Friends, cheerleaders, and reflections of me.

My helper says I’m getting fat. And then?