Lockdown: Day 184
These past two weeks have seen me flex, retreat, bend, break, mend, love, hate, observe, and react in so many different ways.
I am shifting gears and the growth that I’m experiencing is a tad frightening. I have made decisions that have been bold, daring, and borderline crazy in the past week. And tonight I made another business one that’s probably going to cost me in the future but I am confident in my faith and with the risk.
My mother on the other hand is filled with fear and anxiety and her fears and anxiety sometimes make me nervous. I’ve been candid with a few people now about how I want to expand my brand but I’ve lost some of my bravadoes since my mother’s moved in.
My mother’s dementia is negatively affecting her everyday life and her interpretation of how I express myself is almost always warped. She labels me smart but she will extend this compliment laced in sarcasm. And it upsets me and sometimes I ignore her because it hurts to be criticized by someone you love deeply.
But her world has shrunken and it’s getting smaller and smaller by the day, week, and month and no matter what I do or say, some days the trauma of her past catches up with her and she trips mentally. She can get overcome with negativity and that mood usually prevails until the evening if I don’t change how I behave around her.
Dr. John Townsend is a psychologist and a Christian author. Famed for his book Boundaries, he penned a book titled Beyond Boundaries. In it, he teaches you about relationships. Not only relationships that are sexual, but intimate ones too between friends and family.
I hadn’t realized I was grieving for my mother - the woman she was - until I read, “Time is like an oven. It takes all the raw ingredients of grief and loss that we’ve talked about so far and cooks them up into something new; it transforms them, creating a new way for you to experience your loss. You cannot microwave grief.” And that’s when the proverbial penny fell through my floor.
Dementia is not an illness that affects just the person it inhabits. It is an illness that affects everyone around that person who is living with them.
I am constantly encouraged and reprimanded by family and friends who witness my outbursts when my mother pushes my buttons. Last weekend I looked my mother dead in the eye and whispered, “You’re fucking manipulative!” I was instantly ashamed and horrified that I swore but even more burnt because she heard me. Those aged ears that can’t hear the simplest of sentences on a quiet day heard my F-nuke. I was wholly embarrassed and mournful.
That one moment made me look at myself hard and accept that I am not perfect. I don’t have it all together no matter how positive and well-weaved I seem on the outside. I am not always good and I don’t have to speak my mind about absolutely everything. I’m coming to terms with the fact that my mother is not the same person she was and she never will be.
Truth be told, I mentally bomb the homes of those who keep telling her that there is nothing wrong with her brain. There is and it is heartbreaking and painful to witness her confusion.
But I am learning to forgive. I am very hard on myself and it’s taken me a while to learn how to forgive myself. I’ve also realized that to forgive, you have to forgive yourself and it’s tougher than you think.
What is dementia?
According to the Alzheimer’s Association, “Dementia is a general term for loss of memory, language, problem-solving and other thinking abilities that are severe enough to interfere with daily life. Alzheimer's is the most common cause of dementia.” Dementia is basically caused when brain cells become damaged. Some of the signs of dementia is personality change, disorientation, misunderstanding information, behavioral changed, forgetfulness and most common, depression.
