Lockdown: Day 410
Dreams are fantastic. I’m not talking about the ones we have when we’re asleep. I’m talking about the ones we have when we’re awake.
I’m a big dreamer. Hours can slip by when I think of my future. I get excited about it, my hands drip with sweat when I start thinking about what I want to achieve. And where I see myself. Do you do this? Do hiccups on your journey in life also cause you to lose momentum for a few days?
They completely wreck me for a little while. To such an extent that I cannot see where I’m headed. It’s during these periods when I rely on faith to pull me through the fog. I rely on the unseen, what I feel and know in my heart and not what is tangible.
Mexico’s death came out of nowhere two weeks ago.
Today marks two weeks since her whiskers last touched my eyelashes. I still cry. Sometimes I weep. Most times I just feel sad. Overcoming challenges is hard. Life is hard.
Let’s be honest, life is unfair and there’s nothing you or I can do about it. The only thing you can do is think and behave as positively as you can until the raging storm in your mind settles.
I love that my mum has come to live with me again. Her company has been a good distraction from my pain. She makes me laugh. She’s also a bit crazy.
Last night I took stock of my life and I dived into my weekly planner with excitement for the first time since April. I wrote down my goals for today and then the rest of the week. I have been working harder than ever at eNCA and that’s been consuming a lot of my time. I de-registered from Wits because my working hours clashed with my class schedule. But more than that - I wasn’t enjoying studying. I enrolled for a degree I know I can achieve, but I don’t want it anymore. And that’s okay. It’s okay to quit midway now and then. Especially if you’re not enjoying it. There’s more to life than forcing yourself to endure something that doesn’t make you very happy.
My pastor continuously drills it into me that if you are not happy, then change. If you don’t like your job. Get a new one. If you’re not happy with your salary, find a new job. No one holds a gun to your head in situations that make you miserable. We hold ourselves hostage to a life of mediocrity and complaint by settling for a life of comfort instead of a life of constant re-invention and creativity. Profound.
So I reflected on my achievements in the past two weeks and very quickly realised that a lot of growth has happened.
I’ve acquired a caravan which I plan to overhaul into a food truck. My Foi (aunt) is going to laugh so hard. She’s been telling me for years to buy a caravan because I keep moving homes and she doesn’t know where I live anymore.
I collaborated with a food brand. A first or me. That recipe will be available by the end of the week.
I am learning new skills at work, in a new role, and am falling in love with a whole set of new personalities on an evening shift. Finding a flow in my job and working closely with people gives me a lot of joy.
I fixed a vacuum cleaner. Massive feat for me. The last time I fixed something electronic, I shocked myself - physically.
I quit smoking. When shit hits the fan, I don’t eat like most people. I stop eating and tend to stress vape blueberry muffins and tennis biscuits and smoke. But seeing that this was ruining my runs, I bought Nicorette and patched my body in the last week. I’ve been nicotine-free since Wednesday.
I mean, that’s quite a list for sought of a depressed human being. I am proud of myself. I’m not going to sing my praises loudly though, because I did yell at my mother on Mother’s Day. And I’m cringing as I write this because I know I’m wrong but don’t shoot me in the eyeballs just yet.
Her deafness seems to be getting worse and I couldn’t help but scream in frustration… “OHHHHH….ATE…. TOOOOOO.”
There’s an impatience in my soul that flames when I have to repeat myself, or when I am being ignored.
But the more I think about it. The more I become aware of reality.
One reality is that my mother can no longer hear herself fart.
Fact.
The most violent sounds gushes out at the most inappropriate of places. Like while she was laying in the chair at the doctor. He and I looked everywhere but at each other and her. With a deathly silence and stench hanging in the air like thick molasses, I recall touching my face because my skin suddenly felt dry. I grew hot that day and a day later would be sporting a fever to work, only to be told that I am not allowed to enter the building and that I must go home. I couldn’t help but wonder on the drive to the doctor whether my mother’s exhaust fumes were making me ill.
On a serious note, though, another big reality is time. Time is slipping way from us all. Nothing matters, really, only the hands that you love dearly and their health.
Three nights ago my brother flew clean off his bike into traffic, in the rain. I thank God he didn’t break any bones. His accident sobered me. It also forced me to introspect.
As much as I have dreams and goals, I have just this one shot in life. One shot to make a difference. One shot to make myself feel perfectly content and happy.
Just this one chance.
When I talk to my mum I realise that my dreams are not her dreams and her dreams are not my dreams. Every day we share our plans for the day with each other. I write down what she must eat on the fridge. We talk about our day when we spend time apart. My mother talks a lot about her past and a lot about what she could have done. What she should have done. What she hasn’t done and what she plans to make and do when I’m not around. She is reading again but most of what she reads, she can hardly remember.
I am constantly observing my mother observe me. She loves to sit on the couch and watch me cook. She hesitates to ask me anything because she feels like she doesn’t want to disturb me. This makes me sad because I’m never too busy for my mother. It’s just, she doesn’t know that.
So much of my day is littered with work and despite me taking time out to focus on myself, one of my biggest goals this week is to reconnect with myself and prioritize what’s important. And that’s people. People are important. I am constantly having to pull myself back from doing too much.
Daily, whether we like it or not, change will occur. It can be negative or it can be positive. But we have the most amazing tool at our disposal. And that’s choice. We can choose to embrace people, opportunities, our dreams and map ways to attain our goals. Or we can choose to sit still and stop watering our dreams. Whatever we choose, remember to create a margin in your day for the ones you love. It’s important.
Operating at full steam will wear you out and sitting in the same position and complaining about life will lead to misery.
CS Lewis says you are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. I do believe he has a point. Now is the time to invent and get creative with your time. Invest in the clock wisely because one second spent doing the wrong thing will stir regret.
Plan.
