Lockdown: Day 355
There have been so many times that I’ve burst into tears these past two weeks.
And it’s not just because of a man. It’s because of several things that I’m so ashamed to even admit on paper to myself. But try we must, right.
I find myself drawn to love and being loved and when I feel rejected, I analyze and tend to hurt myself over and over again by self-sabotaging. I go back to the source of my pain and agonize about loving, feeling loved and I swing back and forth between these two realities.
Is this even normal?
I have more willpower than I think and I very rarely give myself a lot of credit for what I deem are small achievements.
When I left my ex-husband I asked him so many times. But what’s wrong with me? Never mind that he had a fetish with prostitutes, I felt like I was the problem. The maybe's were flung around like confetti at a wedding, and often I'd find myself pointing to the ether angrily, shouting into the night sky. “What’s wrong with me?”
I always got a reply from him but I won’t share his answer with you. What I will tell you is that after I decided to cut him out of myself, the days got easier. One day turned into two, two days turned into three, and three days turned into three months.
Three months into three years and may I never see this person, again, God willing! Honestly, I wouldn’t know what the hell to say first. But if I drill down and think, I know me. I’ll want to discuss how he is and how he is coping in his new marriage. I’d also throw in a ‘God Bless you,” for good measure. Because it will make me feel better.
Now friendships have the same effect on me as anything romantic. A lady I once regarded as a friend recently dump such a load on me for something I wasn’t even aware of. I wasn’t aware she felt a certain way about something I did. She never raised it and even when I felt her withdraw, I assumed that she just needed space.
Turns out I had hurt her unknowingly and I had no clue. Anyone who knows me will know that I won’t consciously hurt you. This is 2021. I am a little bit more mature than the average snail and I don’t crawl around with baggage, or should I say, unambitious parasites taking a free ride on my shell.
To say I was disturbed about my so-called friend’s message is an understatement. I was deeply hurt and completely baffled. She sent it to me on a day when I felt very vulnerable as a human being. I was giving my first gender-based violence keynote public address. The very next day I ended my romantic relationship. So last weekend was absolute heartbreak.
On Monday I was shattered. I still love the so-called friend and the man who stood rooted through my indecisiveness and strange behaviour. My God! I do still love them.
But did I feel wretched?
Yes. I felt more than wretched. I felt nauseous. So nauseous in fact that I bought a couple of pregnancy sticks, just in case. And then pissed all over my toilet floor and hand in a panic trying to keep that thing in a stream of wee for a whole five second. Uuuuurgh! Who even makes these sticks?
Tuesday rolls around and a friend of mine rings me up, talks me through life in the park and we go for a walk. She graciously gifts me a plant and I’m reminded, once again, that I’m loved unconditionally by so many other people in my life.
Why do I need to feel validated by a few?
I don’t but why do I still feel so hurt? I continued in my usual depressed mood for the next couple of days. And then I start becoming frustrated with myself. By Friday, I had started to shout at myself from within to come right.
Another friend tells me that she wants to spend the day together but I can’t get it together enough to muster up smiling for company. I go into my shell.
Why did I think that I can somehow, magically I can flip a switch on and off with my emotions? It wasn't as easy as thought it would be.
So I have a quick date with another friend and quickly realise that my past has vice-gripped me like a hungry rattlesnake on a, particularly arid day. I feel choked by my memories and so I decide I’m going to explore hypnotherapy. My tears flowed freely, in a coffee shop with a wrap in between us and a warm hand in mind. I have love. It’s all around me. I just take time to see it because the love I want is blocked somehow.
Am I mad?
No.
I am consciously pulling myself up, one rung at a time and slowly. I am feeling safe and secure with the people in my corner. Friends and all. I am feeling weak and strong and every day when I fumble, I am acutely aware that I have the best tools and people by my side.
The past few days have seen me sleeping with dogs beside me and I swear, there’s absolutely no feeling in this world better than having and feeling an animal breathe into your neck from behind you. They just love, they can’t tell you to shift up, they CANNOT even tell you your breath stinks. Because theirs is worse - true story.
So as I sit here, on a Sunday afternoon, writing about my experiences these past two weeks. I am feeling solid with my feet suspended in a pool. Not my pool obviously - but there’s victory floating beneath my feet.
Lastly, I want to impart some facts:
Light is everywhere. It can blind you or it can make you see everything.
Your friends are not punching bags.
People have feelings.
People are also flesh and they have flaws.
Heartbreak is not a weakness. You cannot snap out of it. It can prompt a lack of motivation, take away your appetite, lead to physical pain, and a general sense of feeling like a loser. This is normal.
If you visit your ex, you are not a loser. The heart wants what the heart wants. But please - if he tells you to go chuck, leave. You don’t deserve feeling like you’re unwanted.
You are not a tree. If you come across someone who abuses you, change the direction you’re walking.
Dancing makes you brave. Dance even if you dance like a frog with only one leg. Try.
Naked is beautiful. Even if you have a flabby tummy and hair on your boobs.
Stars have a way of calming the heart. Look at them more often. They do not move and they will be there at the same time every day.
People who love you will love you unconditionally. Trust their words.
Plants can hear you. So speak to them. Go on adventures and surround yourself in nature.
Journals are healing. Blot thoughts down and don’t look at that shit again.
Ants are therapeutic. Mess around them when you’re feeling bored and a bit down. Someone once told me that there are a million others in their family. So if you creep some out - you don’t need to stress too much. I’m sure it’s okay.
Exercise releases the happy hormone. Run, or walk, or swim, or cycle, or stretch, or meditate or have sex with your spouse - God willing - whenever you feel like it.
Self-love is essential and you don’t need a permit for this one. Walk around naked with your hair unbrushed for hours and see how you feel.
Cooking is not for everyone, but the food is something you have to have. Create a space of comfort and healing for yourself that is not only healthy but happy. And stick to it.
Prayer is everything. Don’t forget to thank God for your life today.
Reading will educate you for free. Pick up the paper, read the magazine in the doctor's room, or the toilet and just seek out knowledge. It is power.
Loving and serving others is healing. Do it with all the energy in your body. Even on days when you want to burst and shake with anger. A life of servitude is a life worth living.
Kimberly gets married…
My plant, Lincoln!
