Lockdown: Day 143

I’ve been working so hard to get my Youtube Channel up and running these past two weeks, but the truth is, I have no clue what I’m doing.

This weekend was the first time in a long time I didn’t meet a deadline. I was meant to push play and launch my channel yesterday but something in me didn’t. Life got in the way I guess. I have about a dozen reasons why I didn’t do it but the biggest reason by far, is fear.

I’m afraid of being seen, identified and criticized. It’s very strange that whenever I embark on something new I feel two emotions - fear and excitement. And it’s wonderful and thrilling all at the same time.

I am delighted that I finally get to expand and flex my muscles in the blogging arena. I have had the most amazing feedback from people. Some I know and love dearly, some I don’t know. Either way, I am honoured and I accept it all.

My passion project brings me the most joy and even though I am not making money from this blog yet, it’s the most fulfilling project I’ve ever given birth to in my life. Feeding it and watching it expand has been a daily joy of mine.

In other developments, Mexico is loving her life despite the confusing changes to my shift times every fortnight. She’s the most generous heart that’s ever been allowed to crawl into my bed. She still has moods and is permanently aloof around me when I return from work. But because she’s literally my only company I have been involving her a lot more in my daily routines.

We even pray and worship together. Well I worship. She kind of just meows for my attention. I love to pick her up and dance together but she gets very restless after a little while. Her habits are quite comical. She usually wriggles out of my hands and takes refuge on my couch whenever I force her into a two-step.

I get the feeling she’s not really into my singing. She sulks in a weird position, all curled up, back towards me, very close to the backrest. She stares at the couch for a bit but eventually closes her eyes and hangs her head in defeat. I have no idea why she does this so I’ve resolved that she hates my voice.

But she does respect me which is a good indication that there’s a mutual love. Just this morning she stood at my front door, wailing to go outside. It was a little after 3h00 and I was ready to leave for work so I didn’t want her to go out. There would be no way back in if I left. So I sternly yelled, NO!

She whimpered away immediately and when I chased after her to give her a hug and a comforting rub, she rejected me. Little weirdo.

Other beating hearts avoiding me are the ones I meet on Bumble. Yes, you read correctly. I am on Bumble. I made the decision last week to join this dating app which puts the power firmly in the hand of the female. I get to make the first move.

The first guy I matched with was fantastic on paper but not kind. I had worked with someone in his family and he reigns from the same province I grew up in. Obviously I called my friends and asked about him. Every one of them told me he was a solid guy so I was thrilled. But I quickly realized that he was one of those men who talks to you about nothing substantial and then pretends to be busy. So busy in fact that he stopped talking to me all together. Like Trevor Noah says, ‘WHAT-EVAAAAAAA!’

The second guy was interesting. He had three children, was divorced and a few minutes into our conversation offered up a kiss humorously. I didn’t laugh. Instead I declined the offer and he never messaged me again.

My third match made me giggle the most. His profile was honest. He was searching for ‘something casual’ with ‘anyone’ so when I made my move I just said, ‘Hi’.

What I really wanted to write was…”Did you read my profile properly? I want a relationship. So what makes you think this is going to work?” His response to my two lettered greeting was kind though. He was impressed with my profile and said he liked what I stood for. I also unmatched with him. #zerochill

I am starting to believe that I am not good at communicating on this dating app. And I’m losing hope that I’m ever going to meet someone honest and kind, organically. Just to be clear, I am not desperate for a man and I am confident I can live without one but I don’t want to.

I don’t want to eat alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to trick myself and sleep with a pillow against my back because it mimics that of a human being and makes me feel less single. I don’t miss my husband but I do miss being married. The safety of knowing that he was committed to me was honestly the best feeling in the world. I have a yearning in my heart for that feeling again and a partnership with someone who I respect and who respects me.

I want to be able to be vulnerable, and be trusted with vulnerability in return. I yearn to laugh hard from intimate jokes over coffee in the mornings. I want to cry laugh. I want to go running and talk about everything and nothing. I want to dream with someone and listen to stories and plot ways to make our lives happier and full. I want to be able to love without inhibition. Most of all, my heart craves the hand of a partner who loves to pray about absolutely everything.

There is no prayer too small or too big that I won’t present to God. I pray about the color of my socks before I go out for a new pair. I pray for parking. I pray for good weather. I pray for pain in particular because there’s just so much of it in this world.

I pray for wisdom to pray ardently for matters that are close to my heart. I pray for soft hearts and strong friendships. I pray all the time because God has met me right in the middle of my loneliness.

I’m often asked about the Arabic tattoo on my arm. It’s not just a random thing I did to fit in with the world.

I got it as a reminder to pray. It stopped me from feeling worthless and slitting my wrists numerous times in my past when my pain overwhelmed me. So whenever the devil whispers, ‘You’re worthless,’ in my ear.

I stand up tall, look at my arm and remember.

“Pray all the time.” Ephesians 6:18

My prayer tonight is that I meet my husband and that I meet him soon. And if you’re in the same boat I’m going to tell you what I tell myself every day.

You’re never going to be in this position, at this age, ever again. Make the best of it while you can. Work hard and work on yourself and your body while it matters and while you’re not distracted.