Covid-19 Lockdown: Week 13

I have had the busiest, but also the most emotional two weeks of my life. There’s been a lot of introspection recently, triggered by a rather flirtatious interaction with a man back in my hometown. His pain, opinion and eventual criticism of me has been both exhilarating and disappointing.

Coupled with that, a dear friend who, this year, had an epiphany that I would make a good life partner, has in the past 48 hours reiterated his proposal. That I should consider him. He selfishly called at 2h00 for a chat because he knew I would answer. Both men however, have made no concerted effort to build or maintain a connection with me outside the paradigm of whatsapp. And I feel I deserve more than a blue tick and a mundane conversation.

Not everyone is my friend and as I grow I’ve learnt to draw a very serious line in the sand when it comes to relationships with men. In general, I operate with love first, kindness, and a very generous, transparent spirit. I truly adore the male species, their perspectives and life experiences. But sometimes, discernment is needed and I often gravitate away from those who have glowing streaks of narcissistic behavior.

My marriage schooled me about narcissists. And that’s not my opinion, that thought stems straight from the brain of a credible psychologist. Narcissists are everywhere and they are ordinary, charming and dangerous. They attend church, are doting sons and brothers, are respected and well mannered and will make you feel loved even when you want to be angry with them. Fact is, they don’t care. Not about your feelings or about the repercussions of their actions. They are emotionless human beings, materialistic and very show-offish in the most disconcerting way.

As a Christian I’m commanded to love, but I truly believe that not everyone is deserved of your personal attention, time and energy. I’m not saying you should be scared of men, I’m cautioning you to be cautious with yourself. There are many wonderful men living among us, my brother is one of them. But this post is not about the good men, it’s about the ones who disrupt your life and make you feel worthless.

My job forces me to confront violence against women and children, daily. And I want to scream every time I hear of a rape or a murder of a young woman who has had her life snatched away from her. As a youngster, I have seen abuse, have been abused, have been molested, smacked, belittled, threatened and hurt.

And as much as I’ve forgiven, let go and taken each day in my stride, some days however, I feel like someone drop-kicked me in the gut, and I battle to breathe.

South Africa’s femicide rate is currently spiking, it’s been spiking, but lockdown has somehow upped the ante. More than two dozen women have been murdered since 1 June.

Let that sink in.

That’s more than 24 women. Mothers, mother’s-to-be, teenagers, sisters, daughters, grand-daughters, friends, cousins, nieces, wives, lovers, girlfriends… MURDERED!

A new report compiled by various humanitarian agencies has revealed that one out of two children between two and 17 years of age, experience some form of violence, globally each year. The report estimates that more than 1 billion children each year are affected by physical, sexual or psychological violence, suffering injury, disability or death.

I have been numb and sick to my stomach by the horrific murder of 28-year-old Tshegofatso Pule. And this is not the first time. The details of how Uyinene Mrwetyana was murdered made me gag from my own vomit. Why is there no regard for human life any more? When did love exit and hate take a hold of our society? When did a women’s life and feelings become so trivial?

Just this past year, I have been labelled insane, emasculating, hot AF, f#cking fantastic, deep, emotionally draining, an over-thinker, headstrong, flirt, witch, negative, sour, angry, weak, emotional, crazy, psycho… ALL BY VARIOUS MEN. If you are reading this and you recognize your verbal derogatory description of me, I couldn’t say it then, but I’m saying it now - SCREW YOU!

Love shouldn’t hurt.