Lockdown: Day 269

I have waited until the very last minute to write this post because I honestly didn’t know how to share what I’m about to.

I have been called a bitch twice in the past three weeks. That nasty word flew from the mouth of a man and a woman. And I’m not going to share with you exactly what was said. That’s irrelevant now, but it has affected me. It’s probably because I stood my ground and said no to both of these oxygen stealers. One was a date and the other a rabid neighbour who is noise sensitive.

I’ve also told someone we cannot be friends because I hate being treated like an accessory.

I get this impression that some people think they can say what they want when they want to me. I’m going to share with you tonight a little bit about who I am. I am more than just kind and giving. I also love myself enough to know when to draw a boundary line between the ‘shit’ and what I deserve.

Yes, I am a no-nonsense type of girl - I hate wasting time. If you’re going to waste mine and make me play games with you, I tap out quickly. If you tend to be abusive in any way - I am not invested and you are dead to me.

I don’t tolerate disingenuousness, dishonesty, complacency, laziness, theft - intellectually like if you steal my logo and the three words underneath it - and entitlement. I hold myself to a very high standard and I give 110 percent of myself to everyone I love and everything that I do. That includes my job. I am uniquely me. If you have issues then raise it with me like an adult and try not to fire shots behind my back like a pre-schooler. We’re big now.

I am passionate about all of the above. But it doesn’t mean that I am not a forgiving human being. I am compassionate and am always up for starting again and forgiving because God knows this. I am always in need of forgiveness. And what kind of person would I be if I yearn for forgiveness and never dish it out? I know all about mistakes. I have made many. I have hurt many people. I have said mean things that have fractured and scarred me. I am not perfect. I know that no one is.

I am a talker. I love yapping. I love being spoken to. I love listening. I love being loved. I speak with my hands. I especially enjoy getting to know people. I love everybody - some more than others - in every sense of the word. I am invested in friendships, my family, my body, my passions, my creativity, my service, and my community. I try. And when I fail, I try again. And if I fail, I try again.

I have a resilient heart. One that bruises easily but as the years rolled on, one that doesn’t show the extent of heartbreak. I do cry. In fact, I weep regularly when I am alone. I’ve learned to let my tears roll uncontrollably without uttering a sound. Militant - I also only allow myself to fall apart for a maximum of 3 minutes. After that, I begin to hyperventilate and it is all downhill from there - I know my limits.

I am a realist and a dreamer. I am a Gemini. Apparently, I can lie with a straight face. I can’t wink to save my life though, I think way too much. I am the daughter of a shopkeeper. I am very good with numbers. I am frugal. I count my pennies. I am a big tipper. I adore car guards. I read a hell of a lot. I absolutely love gifts. I love giving gifts. I am a servant at heart. I love cooking, baking, feeding, and caring for people.

I strive to be reliable and as positive as I can be every day of my life. It’s only because I know how much time can slip away from you when you’re dwelling in a bed of negativity.

Trauma is part of my DNA. I’ve grown up under a roof of abuse, I’ve held its hand, I’ve gone to bed with it, I’ve smelt it up close. I have felt choked by it. I have let go. Negativity is the rock that weighs heavy within a soul that does not forgive. I have cried for the little girl who was smacked, beaten, threatened, robbed, belittled, and defeated. I will never allow that to happen to me again.

My future is clear in my mind because I’ve been painting a picture of what I want my life to be like for a long time now. And I push myself. I push myself so hard some days that I sit on my couch breathless. But I don’t see this as a weakness. Some of you may think it is.

Fact is, I feel like time is slipping away from me. I want to do, see and be so much more. I want to experience love despite past betrayals. I want a marriage despite a failed one. I yearn for a child, despite an aging womb. I’d love more career highs. Most of all, I want to be a person who gets better with age.

So opinions are welcomed but not all will be considered.

Bhavna Sookha turns 40.

Christmas nails.

Shooting for Bunnies in the Burbs with Taynita Harilal.

My mother’s efforts.