Covid-19 Lockdown: Day 22

Have you ever wished you could say something to someone, but you don’t, because the thought of upsetting them and your friendship gives you literal hives?

This used to happen to me a lot - less and less as I get older to be honest. And even though I don’t feel like rocking the boat, in some cases it’s necessary. Some people honestly traumatize me and I feel anchored by their negativity and combative spirit. I too have a combative highlight so you can imagine the fireworks. It doesn’t take a lot for me to deflate though and withdraw when I feel attacked. Mentally I’ve trained myself to escape by jumping overboard and swimming for the virtual shore. I literally stop talking and it takes a while for me to open up and trust again.

I’ve learnt that the shelf life of relationships including friendships, depend on each individual, and how much you’re willing to fight for the other person. If you fight for people you love often, good for you. But if not then good for you too - for accepting how you feel and not wasting your time and theirs. Being fake is unacceptable - I’d rather shave my eyebrows than make you feel like your opinions matter to me when they don’t.

Today someone criticized me - HARD. And it upset me - DEEPLY.

I was aggrieved to know that this is how I am sometimes perceived. I was painted out to be an unforgiving, aggressive bully who holds grudges forever and ever and ever…Amen!

And I know that it isn’t true because even on my best, worst day, I will walk away from a war of words and almost always apologize to the person I’ve offended and hurt. It may not be on the day or the day after that or the month after that, but a conversation will take place and as predictably as I breathe I’m almost always the first one to spit out a heartburn-induced, ‘Sorry’.

I absolutely hate conflict but what I despise more, is being insulted for no reason.

All of this may seem mundane and irrelevant given our circumstances right now. But there’s a reason for this overshare.

I had powered through my shift at work and was giving myself time to digest what was said to me. I decided to once again push these little negative shots fired at me under the rug, when something made me value myself again.

I had a colleague with me when I drove home today and thank God for that because I wasn’t driving my usual speed - I tend to be a lot quicker by myself.

We were deep into conversation when a guy shot a red robot and the car behind him followed. To paint a picture, I was driving down a road and momentum was pulling me along optimistically. I had imagined that this guy, who was turning into my road from the right, was going to brake when he saw me - but he didn’t. He continued accelerating and was rolling into the road at glacial speed. I changed from the right lane into the left one and for a split second it looked like he was going to stop and let me pass. But then his car edged further into my lane. I realized I was going to t-bone this idiot so hooted in a panic, braked really hard and swerved to avoid him. I watched with shock as the ABS lights flickered on my dashboard. I heard my car shudder and felt resistance on my brakes. My right knee even cramped and I kept thinking of the soul sitting next to me.

I eventually just resigned that I was going to crash into this vomit-colored car and I was okay with that - my colleague would be safe at least on the other side. But I didn’t knock him.

Luckily there was no one behind me and we had both come to a partial stop in a rather awkward position on William Nicol. I couldn’t breathe but my embarrassed self straightened the car quickly and I continued driving.

I’m here now but that experience taught me a hard lesson. Life is as fickle as a freshly laid egg and it can end in a millisecond.

I’m not going to waste energy on analyzing and re-analyzing a conversation that hurt me. I am much more than a crazed, frizzy-haired individual behind a keyboard, and I’m done justifying my reactions and emotions to people who cannot accept or love me for the person that I am right now. I am uniquely me - imperfectly perfect and unapologetic on this Friyay!

PS. The spider I mentioned yesterday is half gone. Ants are strong, yo!