Lockdown: Day 212

I sometimes feel like I have body dysmorphia and I do everything in my power not to gain weight. But I feel like I’m losing the battle of the bulge.

This was inevitable because ever since I started working the morning shift again, the scale has been ticking upwards. Last week I had my yearly check with my endocrinologist and while my blood shows that I am still diabetes-free, my sleep patterns were found to be the root cause of my weight gain.

I have been feeling tired, irritable, forgetful, and frumpy lately and I am starting to feel like it’s time for a change.

I’m not sure if this is normal but have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror naked, and started flailing about like a duck to see which body part is wobbling? If you have, then you and I are alike. If you haven’t then I’m pretty sure no one has ever criticized you in your childhood or made you feel disfigured because you were slightly plump. I’ve been teased my whole life about my big derriere and my larger than normal lips. And as if that wasn’t enough, my hair began to fall because of psoriasis on my scalp. Folk then started asking, “Do you know you’re balding - just here,” while shuffling closer to me to point to the exact spot. Like I had the ability to magically roll my eyeballs back into my head and look on top of it.

Criticism is bullish and nasty. It’s so unnecessary and no one has to be a$$holes. We choose to be a$$holes.

Criticism has the power to break and push one into the arms of someone completely unworthy of your love. I know I’ve been there. Criticism breeds fear and anxiety. Criticism is the foundation of perfection in most cases.

It is a form of abuse. And abuse lives with you for the rest of your life. I know in my case it has and I’ve often found myself in many situations where I’ve just stopped talking. When someone intimidates and criticizes me so much, that I shut down mentally and avoid them.

I’m writing about this purely to share that you have a choice. To either accept spiteful criticism or set the record straight. Truth is the greatest and only weapon you should reach for in battle, and if you know your truth then there is nothing to fear.

Constant criticism during my childhood and then in my working career bruised my self-confidence and my self-esteem. For years I’ve been stuck in that place until the proverbial middle finger went up and I took a leap of faith. In myself.

I still jiggle in front of the mirror now and then, but mostly I look into the mirror every morning and I blow kisses to myself. I affirm my beauty and I love myself. I flex my muscles, giggle, dance, and sometimes even do the Makarena.

I also accept that I am not perfect and I welcome constructive criticism but I no longer put up with lies. If I disagree with what is said about me I will challenge it.

What people say about you and how they perceive the person you are should not be what you think of yourself. Know yourself enough to be certain that when someone dares to criticize your body, your personality, your worth, your work ethic, or your massive eyeballs, you can look at them like the bad wolf did at Goldilocks and say, “The better to see you with, my dear.”

There’s no need to give power to someone's opinion of you. After all, it is just their opinion. Deep down you will know the truth and if what is said doesn’t align with what you think of yourself. Flush it down the toilet like you do your first pee of the day.

PS. Below are some pictures from my running clubs’s second birthday and my nieces fifth birthday. Celebrating with friends and family has got to be the highlight of my days. I also celebrated the departure of a friend who has just this morning, landed in Turkey.